Ink Stained Pages
by InkyCoffee
Summary: Just a place to store my Tumblr ficlets, ranging wildly in rating, style, genre, and quality - everything from fluff to nude skydiving. Several chapters are pure Crack!fic. Read at your own risk.
1. Cops and Robbers

**A/N: Just finding a home here for my Tumblr ficlets. Most are super short and unbetaed. Please note any chapters with individual rating changes.**

 **I'm so sorry.**

 **Castle belongs to ABC & AWM**

 **aspenmusing asked: Prompt! Observations on Castle/Beckett relationship from the perspectives of the other hostages in Cops & Robbers.**

She shuffled uncomfortably on the floor of the vault, her baby boy deciding now was a good time to break dance, or play soccer, or take a Zumba class. She had no idea what, just that this kid was going to be a handful once he was walking.

She really needed to pee. Even more than usual.

She should have taken her husband's advice and taken the early maternity leave.

The explosion had shocked them all, but there was little they had been able to do about it, locked away as they were. None of the so-called "Doctors" had been seen or heard from since then, and it sounded like the police were finally making their way inside.

One member of the police force, in particular.

Simone's eyes widened when she caught a glimpse of the woman the Doctors had been negotiating with, the one whose partner had become spokesperson for the hostages. It was the ambulance officer from before - although nothing in his earlier demeanor had made anyone think they knew each other, as they obviously did. She was beautiful, hair pulled back in a loose bun, dark eyes frantic with worry. She was calling for him, her voice hoarse, choked from debris and worry, and when he called back to her, she barely took the time to notify her colleagues as to their location before she made a bee line for him.

Oh, my.

So they were _that_ kind of partner…!

The whole world had clearly faded away for the two lovers, and Simone couldn't help getting a little teary-eyed watching the scene playing out before her. Damn hormones! But those smiles of relief and her tentative hand reaching out to caress his lapel were all just heartwrenching in its sweet joy.

His mother said something then, breaking the moment, and another officer crowded into Simone's view, cutting her ties and helping her to her feet, so she missed the end of that little drama.

Strangely, though, that moment was the one part of the whole experience that stayed with her the longest.


	2. Doctors Office

**amtepe asked: Prompt: Kate the doctor's office. Time and reason up to you.**

Castle came running in, eyes wild, hair askew, coat buttoned wrong, all but flinging himself into the room.

Kate and her doctor both turned at the semi-expected but rather dramatic interruption, and she simply offered her hand and a reassuring smile as an invitation to join them.

"I was writing when Espo called me, and all I heard was that you'd been hurt and that you were on your way to the doctor. It wasn't until I was halfway to the hospital that Ryan called me back to say it was non-urgent enough to come here instead." He gasped for air, clutching the hand she had offered him, his other hand hovering around the side of her face but not touching her, as if he was afraid that even a feather-like caress would make whatever condition she had immeasurably worse. Turning worried eyes to the physician, he asked, "Is she okay? What's wrong?"

The doctor, a blonde woman in her early forties, smiled gently. "Your wife is fine, Mr. Castle. Have a seat and we'll explain."

"Castle, at the crime scene, I threw up and passed out. Just for a moment, I promise, but enough to give the boys a fright. Thankfully Lanie was there, and she made me call for an appointment and get checked out. We were lucky to get a same-day one, but Dr. Reynolds was just about to give us some news," Kate smiled at the Doctor, cheeks pink and eyes bright. If anything, his beautiful wife looked excited, not ill… and God, that smile! It took him a moment longer to turn to the Doctor, who was smiling patiently at their interaction.

"I was just telling Kate that there is nothing wrong with her, but that I will need to refer her to her OBGYN."

He frowned, glancing between the two grinning women. "If there's nothing wrong with her, why does she need a referral?"

His wife tugged on his hand, bringing his attention fully back to her - always to her. She was radiant, her joy spilling over, and he wanted nothing more than to make her this happy always, every single day.

"Castle - I'm pregnant!"


	3. Streaky Wedding

_**Prompt: A drunken Martha streaks the wedding**_

"I do," his whispered fervently, smiling down at her beautiful, blushing face.

"You may now kiss the… WHAT THE HELL?!" the celebrant screeched, as an all-too-pale figure crowned with red hair stood from the front row.

"Well, go ahead and kiss her, Richard," his mother instructed, before turning and sauntering off down the aisle, pausing only to wink at Gates' gawking husband.

"I suddenly don't feel like kissing you," Kate said regretfully.

"It's ok, I'd probably puke if you tried right now," Castle replied.

"Dad? I think I'm going to take you up on that whole you-paying-for-therapy thing," Alexis piped up.

"I'll get us a family rate. I think we'll all need it," Castle said, still looking more than a little green.

"I won't," Esposito said, a little too appreciatively.


	4. That Boy is Mine

**Prompt: Someone asks Castle on a date, in front of Beckett.**

* * *

"So now that the case is wrapped up, would you care to join me for a drink, Mr. Castle? I'd _love_ to hear more about your writing process," the new ADA purred, stroking his arm.

He choked, looking around him, panicked. "You _do_ realise I'm married, right? To the lead Detective on this case?"

The lawyer tossed her red hair over her shoulder and leaned in to whisper "I won't tell if you won't."

He shook his head. "I'm sorry. You're beautiful, but I'm not interested."

She shrugged, apparently not easily put off. "If you ever change your mind," she began, but he cut her off.

"I won't. I love my wife, and I have no desire to jeopardise what we've worked so hard to build."

She pouted prettily, but he was already moving away from her, searching frantically for his wife.

Kate put him out of his misery, appearing from where she had been watching the scene play out. Smoothing her hand down his back in a rare display of precinct affection, she whispered, "You did good there, Castle."

Only then did he relax, his shoulders unbunching from around his ears. "Yeah?" he asked, disbelieving.

"Yeah," she nodded, her eyes drifting to the woman who had caused all this mess, narrowing slightly.

The lawyer didn't even look repentant. Beckett stalked over to slowly, just as the woman began gathering her things into her briefcase, and placed a single hand on top of the files she was about to pick up.

"If you so much as breathe in my husband's direction _ever_ again, there will be consequences. Do you understand?" she asked, tone low but so full of steel and venom that the lawyer's hands began to shake. The woman nodded, just slightly. "Good. Now get out of my precinct," she growled, turning on her heel and striding away, dragging her husband behind her.

She didn't need to watch the laywer scamper away; she needed the supply closet to be empty so she could tear her husband's clothes off.


	5. The Bachelor

**_In support of network synergy, Kate will arrive at her wedding to find she's one of 50 girls competing for Castle's final rose_**

* * *

Kate stepped out of the limo, her eyebrows shooting up at the sight of the waiting camera crew. Following the gaudy, flower-strewn path that looked _nothing_ like the intimate beachside service they'd spent all those months planning, she turned the corner of the opulent manor house, and stopped short.

Standing in perfect rows before her stood masses of other women, all similarly robed in wedding dresses.

 _What the hell…?_

Someone wearing a headset and carrying a clipboard waved her over to the one gap in the otherwise perfect formation. At the gazebo in the center, Castle stood next to a tuxedoed stranger, who turned to the camera as soon as she was in place.

"Welcome to The Bachelor…"


	6. Sandwiches

**Ficlet Prompt: C &B make the perfect sandwich, proper placement of condiments is discussed.**

* * *

"No, Castle, the mayo doesn't go on until after the cheese."

"But then it won't be anywhere near the lettuce!"

"Castle! Cheese. Mayo. That order."

"…And it won't be anywhere near the chicken, and won't that just make the whole thing a little dry?"

"Are you making this sandwich or not? CHEESE. MAYO. NOW!"

"Okay, okay! I'm doing it. Here. Done. Here's your sandwich."

"It doesn't taste right."

"Seriously?"

"It doesn't taste right. Make me another, from the top."

"We'll run out of lettuce."

"Then you can buy some more. Unless 'not Patterson rich' doesn't stretch to lettuce…?"

"Fine. Here. Lettuce, cheese… and mayo. Here's you're sandwich. …Wait, why aren't you eating it? What's wrong?"

"I don't feel like a sandwich any more."

"Oh, Kate, it's okay. No need to cry. There, love. What can I do to make it better?"

"Cut me up some pineapple?"

"That's my girl. Here we go. One slice of pineapple."

"Thanks, Castle."

"You're doing all the work here."

"It's 2am, though."

"And when baby's born I'll still be getting up. Might as well get in some practice."

"Castle?"

"Yeah?"

"Baby doesn't want this pineapple after all. Baby wants a sandwich."


	7. Clint Barton, NYPD

**_Prompt: Kevin Ryan is actually Clint Barton, SHIELD agent._**

* * *

"Yo, Ryan, where were you?" Esposito demanded.

Rolling his shoulders in an attempt to get back into character for his cover identity, he cast one final, sweeping glance around.

"Just… keeping an eye on things," he replied vaguely.

"Maybe next time you could, you know, help, maybe?" his partner grumbled, nodding his head at the perp, now cuffed and secured in the back seat of their cruiser.

"Sorry, man," he said, leading the way to the car, away from his position on the corner of the roof. "First round on me to make it up to you?"

Espostito followed, grumbling.

He never saw the six bodies, all with arrows protruding from their chests - or the team that swept in behind them and cleared the debris away.


	8. Chilli Results

**Msmorg asked: Please write a oneshot about how dreadful Rick's gas is after eating a bowl of chili.**

* * *

Kate was just putting the finishing touch on dinner as Alexis and Martha clattered down the stairs, chattering a mile a minute.

"Katherine, darling, it smells amazing. What have you concocted for us?" Martha asked.

"Just my Mom's old chilli recipe," Kate said with a grin. Both redheads assumed matching expressions of unease, glancing at each other, then back at Kate.

"I just remembered I'm meant to… be meeting friends for study group," Alexis stammered, clearly lying.

"Yes!" Martha all but shouted. "And I have an extra class. Yes. At my acting school. Mustn't tarry."

The pair of them began inching toward the door as Castle came out of the study. "Hey! What's going on? Smells amazing, Kate!" he grinned enthusiastically.

"Gottarunbye!" Alexis used her father's arrival as distraction enough to slip out the front door, with Martha on her heels. Kate turned to him with a perplexed expression.

"Why did they run away when I mentioned chilli?"

Castle's eye lit up. "You made chilli? I'm never allowed chilli! Mother and Alexis think it makes me gassy."

"Does it?" Kate raised an eyebrow at him.

He shook his head vigorously. "It's all in their heads, I swear."

* * *

Two hours later, she let herself into her old apartment, alone and swearing to herself to pay more attention to the redheads' reactions in the future. She was engaged, it seems, to the king of flatulence.


	9. Cherub

**[Photo prompt: pic of baby lying on a bed, asleep and cute]**

* * *

His phone beeped the moment he turned it back on, and in spite of the passengers around him gathering their carryon, he paused mid-aisle to fish it out and look.

Their little cherub was passed out for her mid-morning nap. Obviously her Mommy had gotten soft while he was away, letting her sleep in the big bed.

It wasn't until a throat cleared behind him that he came back to reality with a start, gathering the last of his things and bumping his way down the aisle to the exit.

He hated flying coach.

He hated stupid book tours that took him away from his wife and daughters and the dream existence he had built in New York.

Still, that was behind him now. Due to a busted pipe, their last signing in Chicago had been cancelled, and Castle had barely said goodbye to Paula before he was in a cab headed for the airport, booking a flight on the way.

Three weeks was too long.

He hummed, bouncing on his toes as he waited for his luggage to arrive. Angela normally went down for her nap at 11, and his plane had landed at 11:15. She might even be awake again by the time he got back to the loft, depending on traffic. He was looking forward to seeing his baby girl after so long away… and he was _really_ looking forward to seeing his wife. Alexis, too. And even Martha.

Finally, his bag came around the carousel, and he seized it gleefully before all but sprinting to the exit. In no time at all, he was in a cab and finally homebound.

It was all he could do not to text Kate and warn her of his imminent arrival. But then, he always wanted to share everything with Kate. Thankfully, she put up with him, and even seemed to love him for it, as well as in spite of it.

As the cab neared his corner, he pulled out a roll of notes from his wallet - too many, probably - to throw to the cabbie the moment he stopped, so he could gather his things and head inside. He barely even acknowledged Eduardo's cheerful "Welcome home, Mr. Castle!" on his way inside, earning a knowing chuckle from the doorman.

He didn't stop for breath until he was facing the familar door, fishing his keys out of his pocket, and pausing before he turned the lock.

The last thing he wanted to do was wake Angie if she was still napping.

He opened the door silently, placing his bags down as quietly as he could in a heap in the entryway, and shut the door before creeping stealthily into the living room.

No sign of his wife or daughter anywhere, and Alexis wouldn't be home til tonight.

Usually he would head for the stairs now, to see if the cherub was still sleeping, but thanks to the picture Kate sent, he turned through his office instead and leaned against the open door to the master bedroom.

Angela was still very much asleep, her sweet little mouth puckered, her lashes, so long and dark like her mother's, sweeping her rosy cheeks. On the other side of the bed, his wife was sitting up against the head board, re-reading _Storm Falls_. She glanced up as he entered, though, and the book was dropped without ceremony.

He met her half way, gathering her into his arms and relishing the familiar taste of her as she claimed his mouth, sweeping her tongue inside and wickedly fitting her curves against him. He kissed her back brutally, banding his arms around her and snaking one hand up into her curls. Finally, their kiss gentled, and they pulled apart just enough for him to tilt his head down, touching his forehead to hers. She grinned up at him, eyes dipping with girlish shyness.

"I thought you weren't due home til tomorrow."

"The last signing was cancelled and I couldn't wait. Besides, I wanted to see you and the Angel."

"She wasn't very angelic this morning. She got up on the bathroom cabinet and mashed two of my lipsticks and wasted a whole tube of toothpaste."

Castle grinned, glancing over at the bed where a pair of wide blue eyes were blinking open, quickly followed by one of his favorite smiles as his baby girl saw that her Daddy was finally home. He abandoned his wife to scoop the little one up and pepper her with kisses. "That's my Angel," he said.


	10. Kate, Sleeper Agent

**_Prompt: "Johanna" was really the leader of a Russian sleeper cell sent to infiltrate the govt & activate Kate with a trigger word._**

* * *

Kate stood as the figure approached their group. It was a woman, long salt-and-pepper hair tied back with a scarf, and sunglasses in spite of the rapidly approaching night.

The woman tilted her sunglasses down, looking Kate directly in the eye.

"Cherries," she said.

Kate nodded, pulled out her gun, and shot her fellow detectives.

A black SUV pulled up to the curb beside her, and she got in, leaving Castle standing there, surrounds by his bleeding friends.

"For Russia," she said, before the door slammed and the vehicle sped off into the night


	11. Monster Slayer

**weforgotthepresident asked: Prompt: The kid(s) are scared of monsters under the bed. How do(es) Any-character(s)-you-want handle it?**

* * *

"Daddy?"

Kate was curled up on the sofa, reading, after a long day at the precinct. Castle had been the one to put the kids to bed, and had apparently been struck by inspiration, so Kate barely got a grunt out of him when she got home. She glanced up now to find her big boy standing at the top of the stairs, hair mussed and eyes round, clutching a tedy bear.

Throwing her book aside, she took the stairs two at a time, scooping her big four year old up into her arms and cuddling him. She hated days where she didn't get home in time to see them to bed.

"What's the matter, baby? Daddy's writing. Did you have a bad dream?" she asked, smoothing back the dark bangs that fell over his forehead.

He nodded miserably. "Monsters."

She carried him back to his room, tucking him securely into bed. "Wanna know a secret about monsters?" she asked him.

He nodded solemnly.

"They don't like to eat people. They actually just want children to be friends with them, and then they get sad because the children are scared. And you know that growling noise they make? It's like Sarah Grace's kitten - they growl when they're happy. So maybe next time you think there might be monsters, maybe tell it that you aren't afraid of it, and you want to be friends. Think you can do that?" she asked with a smile.

"Yes, Mommy!" he grinned up at her impishly, so much like his father, and she kissed him sweetly. It wasn't until she reached the door that she saw her husband standing in the hallway, watching the whole encounter. She slipped her arms around her husband, and he held her close, grinning into her hair.

"Why, Mrs. Castle, I think your husband might be rubbing off on you a little," he teased, and she laughed.

"Shut up and kiss me, Castle."


	12. Tired and Uninspired

**oklahomasky1995 asked: Three word prompt: Tired of Bullsh*t**

* * *

"Man, I'm tired of this bullshit!" Esposito threw down his pen and leaned back in his new desk chair.

"Javi, keep it down, she'll hear you!" Ryan remained hunched over his paperwork, casting furtive looks into Beckett's office where his new Captain could be seen frowning at her computer screen through the open blinds.

"Good. Let her. I'm not scared of Beckett," Espo shrugged, posturing, and Ryan suppressed an eyeroll. He knew for a fact his partner was lying, but it wasn't worth pointing out.

"What are you going to do about it?" he asked instead. "They're adults, and it's their marriage. Has nothing to do with us."

Esposito leaned forward. "Except it does. They're our friends. And Beckett being happy is now the whole 12th's concern. Our overtime pay is dependant on her mood now."

Ryan nodded sagely. With Number Two on the way, small bonuses like overtime made a big difference. "What's your plan?"

"Lock 'em up together, make 'em talk," Esposito replied promptly.

Ryan leaned back, folding his arms smugly. "Oh, really? Where are we gonna do that, huh? Beckett has the keys to more of this place than either of us."

Espo opened his mouth to respond automatically, then paused as he struggled to come up with anything to overcome his partner's rebuttal. "Fine, then, how would you do it?" he finally snapped.

"Not that way. Marriage is more delicate than that, man. No wonder you're single," Ryan shook his head at his partner.

Esposito's nostrils flared. "Or maybe I'm just too much man for one woman, Honeymilk."

Ryan simply smirked. He knew better than to respond to the jab. "I go home to the love of my life every night. Not a shoebox apartment filled with old pizza boxes and Mrs. Hernandez upstairs screaming at her husband.

Esposito waved his hand in dismissal. "You're straying from the point. What do we do about Castle and Beckett?"

"Nothing. It's not our business," came the prompt reply, as Ryan picked up his pen to keep going with the form he was working through.

Esposito sent him a withering look. "Seriously, bro?"

Ryan didn't even glance up. "What do you want me to say?"

Esposito huffed, grabbing his baseball and passing it back and forth between his hands. "What if it was Jenny who tossed you out without telling you why? What would you want to happen so you could talk?"

Ryan paused, pen hovering above the page, and let out a long breath. "Not comparable. Jenny's a completely different person to Beckett."

"Come on, you can think of something," Esposito huffed. "Don't make me ask Lanie."

Ryan snorted, flipped the page and filling out more of the form. "Yeah, like she'd help."

"She might. But that's not the point. You've gotta help me here." He stopped tossing the ball to lean forward earnestly.

Ryan gestured vaguely with his pen. "I don't know, invite them both out for drinks without telling the other, then get out of there before things get awkward?"

Esposito slammed his baseball back in it's holder, standing so suddenly his chair scooted back. "That's perfect! You call Castle. Friday's good, right? I'll talk to Beckett. You're a genius!" He ran off to tap on Beckett's office door.

Ryan slumped over his desk, head in his hand. There was no way this was going to go well. Beckett was going to kill them both, and then bust them down to traffic. Castle would never lend them the Ferrari ever again, or sign any more books for Jenny's grandma – the one thing that had charmed the old matriarch over at the start. He had too much to lose to go along with this.

On the other hand…

He thought about Castle and Beckett, and all they had been through, both separately and together.

With a sigh, he pulled out his phone, searched for Castle's name in the contact list, and dialled.


	13. Death and Taxes

**Prompt: Quick, someone write me a fic about Castle bitching about his taxes. For Jill.  
**

* * *

"Castle, what are you doing?"

He froze, one foot bracing against the wall for balance, most of his weight on the foot perilously close to the edge of his desk. A wadded up line of toilet paper was stuck in his collar, leaving a trail hanging halfway down his back. One hand ballanced on the ceiling, a garish bunch of baloons and an empty coffee cup dangling from his fingers, and the comforter from their bed was in his other hand, hanging to the floor. He held the remote control for his helicopter between his teeth, and the entire office as far as she could see was strewn with glitter and feathers.

He froze at her words, the look she caught over his shoulder reminicent of children and fingers and cookie jars, and he carefully manipulated the comforter in his hand so he could remover the remote from his mouth before trying to talk.

"My taxes. Can't you tell?" he asked innocently.


	14. Serious Discussion

**Dialogue prompt: "I'm going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else."**

* * *

"I'm going to need you to put on some underwear before you say anything else."

"Who said there was going to be any more talking involved?" she asked, sliding onto his lap.

"Beckett, you can't…" he paused, groaned as she nipped at his stubble, undulating in his lap in a way that set his blood on fire. "You can't just tell me you've been off the pill for the last week already and expect me… _Oh, God_ … expect me not to talk about it."

She jerked her hips into his so that he could feel just how hot and wet she was, and froze, leaning back until she could look him in the eye. "I thought this was what you wanted."

"It is. But Kate, you need to include me in these things. A baby is a huge decision - and it's not like we can just put it back if we change our minds. It's life altering."

She had the grace to look ashamed. "I'm sorry. It's something I've been wanting for a while now, but I just… I guess I didn't have the courage to tell you."

He leaned forward, brushing his lips against her forehead, forgiving her easily. "But you definitely want this?" he asked, his fingers smoothing over the skin of her hips, climbing the ladder of her spine.

"Yes, Castle, I do," she said, arching into him.

In a quick, smooth move he rolled them so he was hovering over her. "In that case, Mrs. Castle, let's make us a baby," he said, swooping down to claim her mouth, and conversation was forgotten for a while.


	15. Hangar Man

**Prompt: A "real" (exactly 100 words) drabble. Beckett finding Montgomery's body in the hangar. Castle's POV.  
**

* * *

He watched from the doorway as she knelt over her fallen Captain, the sobs he had endeavoured to silence now wracking her slender frame. Her form was silhouetted, bodies scattered around her bathed in silver, forming a ghastly tableaux. He didn't try to approach her, didn't reach out or speak or touch her; he simply watched over her as Montgomery had entrusted him to do. There would be time enough to pull her away when the cavalry came, but he held off from calling it in for just a few minutes more, giving her the space she needed to grieve.


	16. A Man's Gotta Do

**fembot77 asked: Crack!Fic Prompt: While investigating another case, Beckett and the boys discover Rick Rodger's secret straight-to-video acting debut titled "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog"**

* * *

"What is that?" Ryan's head popped up over his partner's shoulder, squinting

"I have no idea, bro, but I think I'm a little scared." Esposito's eyes never left his computer screen as he sat, mesmerized.

Beckett, walking past, heard the commotion. "What are you guys… Wait, is that _Castle?!_ "

"Just watching a little something on Youtube," Espo smirked.

They all sat there, watching the terrible acting.

"The Joss Whedon version is so much better," Ryan muttered.

In the distance, the elevator dinged, and Castle stepped off, heading straight for them.

Too suspiciously, the three Detectives scattered before he could reach them, all looking guilty.

He stopped, glancing between them. "What?"

"Captain Hammer's here, hair blowing in the breeze," stage whispered Ryan.

Castle went deathly pale. "Wh-what did you say?"

Espo leaned back in his chair, grinning up at the discombobulated writer.

"A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do," he smirked.

Castle's eyes closed in humiliation. "I'm doomed," he whispered.

Kate slid her arms around his waist in a rare display of public affection, but her eyes held a glint of mischief. "The only doom that's looming is you loving me to death," she said, before stepping in close to whisper in his ear. "For the record, I want some one-on-one time with the hammer later on."

"Ohhh, it's curtains for me," he mumbled as she turned on her heel and strode away, hips swinging just for him. "Lacey, gently-wafting curtains."


	17. Squeaker

**Prompt: "Just... Help me hide the body?"**

* * *

"Castle, it is four in the morning!"

"Four in the morning means we have less than three hours til the kids are awake. That means we have less than three hours til Jamie and Marty go to feed Squeaker. That means we have less than three hours before we have to explain death to our two- and four- year olds."

"Castle, it's a hamster."

"Yes, and I should be able to find a doppelganger at that petstore on Lafayette. They open early - I might make it back in time."

"Even if they open early, it'll still be a couple of hours before you need to leave. I don't understand why we're having this conversation in the middle of the night?"

"Just… Help me hide the body?"

"Fine. But then I'm going back to bed, and going back to sleep. Like a normal person."

—

* * *

—

"Mommy, what's wrong with Squeaker?"

Kate paused, coffee raised halfway to her lips as she glanced quickly at her husband before turning to face the beseeching eyes of her children. "What do you mean, sweetheart?"

"He's not bumping my hand like he does every morning. And he's not eating his celery, but it's his favorite food. And the white spot on his leg is gone." Marty explained, serious in this matter as he was in all things.

"He sick, Mommy?" Jamie added, her baby blue eyes blinking up at her in concern.

Kate thought back to the tiny body wrapped in newspaper, hidden in a shoebox that Rick had insisted on saying a few words over as she dropped it down the garbage shute at the end of the hall.

"I think Squeaker is… as good as new. Let's leave him to his breakfast, and come have our own."


	18. Pogo of Shame

**fembot77 asked: Prompt: "Darling, it's not a walk of shame if you return home on a pogo stick" ~Martha**

* * *

"Business or pleasure?" he answered the phone as cheerfully as he could, considering it was – he cracked one eye open to check the time – 4:58am?!

Beckett's voice, though, was enough to bring a smile to his face no matter what the time. "Murder never sleeps, Castle. We've got a body."

"I'll say you do," he mumbled, trying for flirtatious, but he was pretty sure he wasn't awake enough yet.

She laughed, though, and gave him the address. He got ready in record time, a fine art he had mastered over the past three years of murders at all hours. Stopping by the kitchen, he prepared a pair of to-go cups with the hottest, strongest coffee he could make within the bounds of it actually tasting good. Beckett would need the extra kick this morning.

He nodded to the doorman as he exited the building, only to stop short at the sight of his mother bounding down the street toward him… on a pogo stick.

"Mother…?" he gaped openly.

"Oh, Richard, close your mouth, darling. After all, it's not a walk of shame if you return home on a pogo stick," Martha said airily, breezing past him and carrying the pogo stick into the elevator with her.

He shook his head, hailing a cab and giving the address for the crime scene.

When he arrived at the crime scene, it was to find Beckett and Ryan having a whispered conversation while Lanie went about her business looking decidedly snippy.

"Hey! What's going on?" he asked, handing Beckett her coffee. She smirked turning back to the task at hand, leaving Ryan to fill her partner in.

"Lanie's mad because she and Javi are on a break, and he showed up this morning in yesterday's clothes with his just-got-laid smile on his face," Ryan babbled eagerly.

Castle let out a low whistle just as Esposito came back from talking to one of the victims.

"I heard you had a good night last night, 'Sito. Did we interrupt your walk of shame?" Castle asked as Ryan grinned beside him.

"I dunno if you can call it a walk of shame when you head home on a pogo stick, man," Esposito replied with a smirk.

The smile dropped off Castle's face in an instant as bile rose in his throat.

"TELL ME YOU DIDN'T SLEEP WITH MY MOTHER!"


	19. Anthropomorphic Poker

**fembot77 asked: Crack!Fic Prompt (AU, or perhaps AD for 'Alternate Dimension'): Once a month, the Drawer, the Bed, Linus, Coffee Mug, the Elephants and various other anthropomorphic objects gather to play poker and update each other on the latest gossip about their owners. Describe one of these get-togethers. You may set it anytime in season 5, 6, or future.**

* * *

It was a full moon.

The digital clock on the bedstand clicked over to midnight.

The occupants of the bed were sound asleep, having toppled in only half an hour ago after a frustrating day of chasing down empty leads.

They never noticed the figure moving silently through the bedroom, take a piece of art off the study wall, and slip silently out the door.

—

"Took you long enough, Boba! Hey, Linus! How's it hanging?" Drawer greeted them from the dealer's chair, cigar already in his handle as the two slipped into the Precinct basement through a filthy window.

"Shut it and deal," growled the magnificent picture frame.

"Yeah, you don't have to sneak past them now that they're practically living at our place," added Boba Fett.

"They only left here an hour ago; they would've been too tired to do anything other than sleep after the day they've had," the elephant family chorused, looking smug. The elephant family always looked smug.

Beckett's coffee mug watched it assessingly for a moment, wondering why the elephants always seemed like they had a secret… but as usual, she was so wired, she couldn't follow the train of thought for too long. "Ifeltsurewewouldn'tgettomeettonight, theywereattheprecinctsolate - andheonlymadeherarefilhalfanhourbeforethat…" she babbled at tripple speed.

"No wonder she's wired," growled Linus.

"Someone's in a grumpy mood," Drawer teased Linus, "And here I was thinking the tone of this gathering would improve now that we've banned the Locker Room Toilet."

Coffee Mug shuddered. "Hehadsuchdreadfullanguage! Arealpottymouth!"

"And he was full of shit. That guy really pisses me off," added Linus, ignoring the gasps at his language from both the mug and the elephants.

Bobba poked Coffee Mug's handle. "Don't be such a tea cup! You hear worse in the break room every day."

Drawer dealt, and conversation turned to the game for a while - but it wasn't long before it turned back to the humans, as ever.

"Why so grouchy, Linus? Cat got your tongue?" the Elephants asked knowingly.

"I got kicked out of the master bedroom by your Mom," the lion responded gloomily. "She said my eyes were following me around the room. It was Eli, not me! I'm being framed!"

All the objects murmured sympathetcally, except for Drawer. "Maybe they're making room for me to move in officially," he said brightly. "Kinky Box has already moved, and I never hear from her any more. She's always tied up."

"Enough about your fettish for getting slammed by Kinky Box! There are minors here!" Boba whispered harshly, nodding to the youngest elephant family members.

"Don't worry about us, we know more than you think," they replied mysteriously.

"Just… tell her I miss her storage space," pleaded Drawer with a faraway look.

"Keep it in your drawers," muttered Linus.

"Oh, I intend to," Drawer replied salaciously.

Coffee Mug slammed down her cards. "I'vehadenoughofthis! Wedon'twanttohearaboutit!"

"Perhaps we should leave it til next month, before Coffee Mug flies off the handle?" Boba suggested.

The elephants nodded knowingly. "Our time is up anyway. Until next month, friends."

Boba donned one of his father's coats, and picked up Linus. "Whadaya say, Drawer? Need a lift?"

Drawer nodded, a deeper shade of mahogany than ususal. "That'd be great. Sorry for being such a splinter, everyone."

"We forgive you," the elephants chorused, as they helped Coffee Mug hit the button for the elevator.

"Seeyouallnextmonth!" Coffee Mug called, and they all parted ways.


	20. Working it Out

**Prompt: Castle takes self defense classes after a suspect beats him to a pulp. Post 4.21 (Headhunters)**

* * *

"You sure you want to do this, bro?" Esposito greeted him as he came out of the men's locker room in the precinct gym.

Castle nodded, wincing slightly. The bruises on his face were a myriad of colours, and hurt like hell - but that's why he needed to be here. "Ignore this," he said, gesturing to his face. "This is just motivation. If I'm going to be out there with you guys, I can't be completely vulnerable."

"If you were out there with us, that shiner would never have happened," Esposito muttered, but cut off Castle's explanation with a wave of his hand. "Let's do this, then," he said instead, and the next half hour was put to good use.

It was the third time this week they'd met together to work on self defence moves, and Castle gave his mentor his complete attention, learning take downs and variations of disarms, as well as basic sparring techniques.

It was only once they were picking up their towels and drink bottles, wiping away sweat and rehydrating, that Esposito surprised him by picking up their conversation once more.

"You do realise that if you'd stayed with our team, you wouldn't be needing to put yourself through all this."

Castle sighed. "Look… 'Sito, I get it. Shadowing Slaughter wasn't my greatest idea ever. But it's not like I've never been in danger with you guys, too. You can't control all the variables, and if you don't have to worry about me quite as much, it's got to help a little, right? Besides, I might as well take something away with me from my time here."

Esposito's head jerked up. "You thinking of leaving?"

Castle shrugged, the darkness that had been shrouding him lately settling heavy on his shoulders. "Not sure how much longer I can stay."

Espo studied him for a long moment, a cold, hard stare that Castle knew could make street thugs quiver in their boots. "You're giving up on her, bro? After everything you've been through together?"

Castle dropped onto the bench beside his gear. "I just need time to get over her."

"Why? She's as into you as you are into her," the Detective began, but Castle was already shaking his head.

"She's not. Trust me, she's not." He dropped his head, water bottle dangling from his fingers.

Beckett's voice rang across the empty gym. "What makes you say that, Castle?"

He was so surprised, the water bottle hit the floor, bounced a couple of times, and rolled away.

"Aaaand that's my cue," Esposito said, scrambling to pick up his gear as Castle stood and gaped at his partner. She ignored him for a moment, though, addressing Esposito.

"We've got a body. You weren't answering your phone but LT said he saw you heading up this way. Ryan has the address. We'll meet you down there?"

Esposito nodded, heading into the men's locker room.

Castle longed to be doing the same, to be anywhere other than staring at Kate Beckett with his heart in his hands. Again.

She was studying him, her expression unreadable.

"What makes you think I'm not 'into you'?" she asked again. Her slight parody of Esposito would have made him laugh any other time, but he was too busy praying for the immediate arrival of an asteroid or the zombie apocolypse.  
Anything to get away from Kate Beckett looking at him like _he_ had broken _her_ heart.

No.

No, she didn't get to do this.

Not this time.

The anger and hurt that had been festering within him bubbled over suddenly, a tidal wave of emotion that left him shaking.

"You remember _everything_ , Kate. You used my heart as an interrogation technique. What else was I meant to think?"

Instead of the satisfaction he'd hoped for in finally confronting her, bile rose in his stomach as her face turned ice-pale at his words, her eyes communicating her anguish, leaving him feeling like a cad.

"I thought you knew… I thought you understood… I didn't think you were listening…" she stammered.

He interupted her with a wave of his hand. "I get it, Kate. I was the fool all along, hoping for more than you could give. I'm sorry for behaving like a jackass the past couple of weeks. I should have just bowed out gracefully. I'll just collect my things and head home, and you won't have to deal with me any mo–"

His rambling was cut short as Kate, with something that sounded suspiciously like a sob, hurled herself into his arms, clinging to him in spite of the sweaty mess he was. His arms came around her automatically, steadying her and holding her close. If this was to be the last time he saw her, at least he got to have her in his arms just one last time.

She was mumbling something into his shoulder in between hiccups, and his heart broke for her, too. It wasn't until he felt her pressing kisses to his neck that he jerked away enough to really look at her.

Her eyes were so open, so full of longing and hope and… dare he say love?

"Kate?"

"You're not a fool. I'm sorry I was such a coward. I never meant to hurt you like that. I love you, Castle. I just… I just want _you_."

Was it possible to go from dispair to happiness in such a short amount of time? Joy crashed over him in waves - it was cheesy and cliche and he hated himself for even thinking it, except that it was true. He wrapped his arms more tightly around her, running one hand up her back, over her shoulder, and up her neck to cup her cheek, his eyes sweeping over her face again and again to be sure this wasn't some trick his mind was playing.

"You… mean that?" he asked, needing her to be sure.

She nodded, laughing up at him, and he felt his own smile grow to ridiculous proportions in response.

"I'm sure. I love you, Richard Castle."

" _Kate_ ," he breathed, that one syllable laden with all the love and reverence he could muster.

Then her lips were on his, and it was some minutes before he was capable of thinking of anything else.


	21. Dr Suess BDSM

***THIS CHAPTER IS RATED M***

 **fembot77 asked: Write a BDSM Caskett scene as if you are Dr. Seuss**

* * *

He tied her hands behind her back  
And bent her low to frickitty frack

With blindfold on, she could not see  
But felt him tease her mercilessly

He pushed and plundered, in and out  
Pistoned hips and gave a shout

And with a groan, her muscles tight,  
She met his movements with delight

Til all at once, she came undone  
Flying, falling, oh, what fun!

Behind her faster did he pound  
Release uncoiled with groaning sound

'Til both collapsed upon the sheet  
And traded words and kisses sweet


	22. Biting the Bullet

**Anonymous asked: Prompt: Season 3 Castle takes the sniper bullet instead of Beckett**

* * *

It all happened in an instant.

In a heartbeat.

The same speed as a speeding bullet, one might say.

Too soon?

One moment he was on the podium, listening to her eulogy and hoping - for the first time since their God-awful fight and Montgomery's sacrifice, there was _hope_ in her words, in her eyes. A truce. Forgiveness. Acknowledgement of this thing between them that she had hitherto refused to even glance at, that he had to bury because in spite of however strong his feelings were for her, she was with another man.

Then the flash of light caught his eye, the only warning - but it was enough.

The deafening crack of a gunshot echoed around the peaceful cemetery, but he was already on the move.

Somehow, he just _knew_.

Knocking her to the ground in a tackle, it took a moment for the pain to even register - but then it was all he could think about, burning through him like fire.

She pushed up against him, and he tried get off her, to obey her sharp command to let her _move_ , but his limbs wouldn't cooperate, and the tongues of pain licked further across his torso, paralysing him.

Leaving him to die.

It wasn't until he saw her raise her fingers to view the sticky red substance pouring out of him that either really registered what had happened.

Somehow, she managed to roll him so that she could hover over him, her eyes so helpless and panicked as she gazed down at him, tears welling in her eyes. He tried to raise one hand to brush them away, but his arms weren't obeying his commands.

Alexis.

He needed to remind her to look after Alexis. But she knew, didn't she? She had promised once before, and he knew, he _knew_ he could trust her to remember.

A sense of peace washed over him, even in spite of the pain, in spite of her tears and her voice pleading with him to hold on.

How was she so far away, even while she was touching him?

He had to tell her, just once. Just once, and the last niggling thought would be laid to rest. If this is how he had to die, at least he got to be in Kate Beckett's arms just once.

He had to find the words, and he could be at peace.

Locking onto her eyes, he forced his mouth to cooperate, speaking out the words he had treasured in his heart since the day he saw her appartment go up in flames.

"Kate… I love you. I love you, Kate," he whispered.

Then everything went black.


	23. Nude Skydiving

***THIS CHAPTER RATED M***

 **Anonymous asked: Beckett leaves Demming Castle leaves w/Gina; so Beckett finds forgetfulness in joining a nude skydiving club for the summer.**

 **A/N: Written after a Twitter conversation about the prompt. I am so sorry.  
**

* * *

"You ready, Beckett?"

Kate took a deep breath, adjusting a strap so it wouldn't chafe.

This was quite possibly the stupidest thing she had ever done.

Sure, joining a nude skydiving club seemed like a good idea when she was drunk and on the rebound, and when the boys and Lanie found out, they had all put money on her chickening out – but when she had found out that the club's next jump was over the Hamptons, it was nearly worth the humiliation of paying out all three of her friends.

But Kate was never one to back down from a challenge. After all, it wasn't the skydiving part that bothered her. She had jumped several times in her youth. Even the naked part wasn't so bad, after the art class she had posed for in college.

No, it was the fact that the man who had sailed off into the sunset with his ex-wife, right when she was about to take him up on his offer, was currently cuddled up with said ex-wife in one of the sprawling mansions above which she was about to jump out of a plane. Naked.

Still, she had said she was seeing it through, so here she was.

After all, what were the chances of Castle actually seeing her?

"Remind me why we're doing this?" Kate yelled over the wind and the noise of the engine to her instructor, who merely shrugged and grinned.

"Because we can," the instructor replied.

Kate nodded, and leaped from the plane.

* * *

Castle took his first really deep breath of summer as he stepped out onto the back deck, the screaming argument and squealing tires of Gina's car still echoing in his ears. Rekindling things with Gina was possibly the most idiotic idea he'd ever had. At least it was over now. Again.

But Gina's departure left him with a huge, empty house and no one to distract him from his boredom. He was meant to be writing, of course, but there was no way he was going to be able to after their argument about how little time he had been spending writing and what he was wearing.

It was summer, dammit. What he really wanted to do was lounge around by the pool and wear as little as possible.

Now, there's a thought.

Grabbing a towel and sunblock, he headed for the private pool enclosure, and after glancing around, stripped off his shorts and shirt… and then, after a deep breath, his boxers, too. He wouldn't stay naked for more than ten minutes, but a complete absence of tan lines would be a great way to start the summer.

Lathering on sunscreen, he settled into a poolside chaise longue and laid back, humming as sun warmed his skin. A gentle breeze prevented him from becoming too warm, and in no time at all, he was half-dozing.

What he wouldn't give for Kate to be here with him. Then it would be perfect.

It would be even more perfect if she agreed to join him in his lack of attire.

Between the mental image and the gentle breeze, he could feel his little Castle stirring.

Honestly, it was almost as if he could see her now, gliding sensuously toward him, parachute floating her down directly toward his waiting embrace. He held out his arms to the mirage, hoping against hope that this time his fantasy would become flesh.

She had a look of horror on her face, though, that seemed at odds with his beautiful dream, and as she drifted closer, he could see her tugging on the leads of her parachute, trying to steer herself away from him. She was yelling, too.

He smiled a dreamy smile. Yes, his Beckett was super hot when she was naked, and mad, and parachuting directly to him.

She was nearly upon him, aiming steadily for the pool, when a gust of wind blew her off course. Only his arms reaching for her prevented her from hurtling past him and onto the concrete, but of course he slipped his arms around her waist and caught her securely against him.

She landed a little more heavily than he expected – almost painfully – and it was the pain that finally roused him from his daydream.

Beckett was here. On top of him. Nude, save a few inconsequential harnesses – which, frankly, added to her hotness. Her skin slid against his own, and her center–

He tilted her back a little in his arms, and they both cried out in pain or pleasure or both as the head of his cock slipped between her folds and she sank down on him. She was hot and tight and wet and clenching around him and oh, God, pleasure was splicing through his veins, his hips giving an involuntary jerk, and he slid fully home.

The first syllable of his last name spilled out of her on a hiss just as the parachute blew down around them. She had the presence of mind to tug on one of her straps and it disconnected, blowing into the pool, leaving them wrapped around one another, staring into each others eyes.

He swallowed, the urge to thrust up into her overwhelming, but she looked so surprised, so confused, that he forced himself to remain still.

"Kate?" he whispered. "Why did you parachute naked into my back yard?"

Her eyes filled with misery. "I was trying to forget you walking off with Gina."

He leaned back, groaning as it caused him to shift even more deeply within her. She gasped, clutching his shoulders, her legs tightening around his hips.

"Gina's gone. I never should have asked her, but you were with Demming." His hips were burning, his entire bloodflow centering on where they were joined, and the conversation was getting harder and harder - oh, God! – to follow when all he wanted to do was pound into her, dammit!

She rolled her hips against his involuntarily, the most exquisite sparks of pleasure coursing through his blood in relieved response. "I broke up with him so I could come here with you, but then you walked out with her."

The words were barely out of her mouth before her lips descended upon his, and her hips began to finally, finally move. Something between a sob and a moan spilled out of him as he joined her rhythm, thrusting up into her as he nipped his way down her neck before feasting on a perfect, perky nipple.

She was rolling, clenching, rising and riding, completely abandoned, and he could feel the pressure of his release building. Snaking one hand down between them, her thumbed her bundle of nerves roughly, and was rewarded with an increase in both her volume and movements.

Then she split apart, keening as her muscles tensed around him, and lightning filled him, his vision went white, and all was Kate, Kate, Kate as he released within her, his hips jerking again and again and again until finally they were both spent.

He had the presence of mind to gather her to him, and they collapsed together against the chair, sweaty and sated.

Then Kate began to laugh, throaty, low, sexy as hell, and infectious, and in no time, he was chuckling, too, their mirth spurring each other on.

"What am I going to tell Lanie?!" she gasped eventually. "That I parachuted onto your penis?"

He wheezed. "For once, I can legitimately use 'it was an accident, I swear!'"

She grinned at him, sly and coy. "You certainly seemed to be ready for action."

He bent down to kiss her. "In my defense, I had a naked Beckett hurtling toward me."

* * *

 **A/N: Marking this complete for now, although I may add to it as I write other ficlets. Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words while reading/rereading! They mean the world to me :-)**


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